I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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