just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
