Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
