I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
