wat bout pragnant strippers??
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
