I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
