last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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