I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
