Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
