I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
