there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
