Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
