Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
