508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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