I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
