Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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