my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
