I molested 6 butterflies tonight
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
