shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
soo... how was my night?
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