Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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