Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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