Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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