you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
