what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
