I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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