hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize