I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
