There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
