I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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