we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize