I think I won the penis lottery.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
