I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
