I think i peed on brittanys purse
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
