She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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