got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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