she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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