When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize