do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
