I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sext me about skeletons
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
