This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
