theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize