hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
