i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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