Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
