Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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