Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
