i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
