The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
