I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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