dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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