a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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