I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Did I show you my penis last night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
