Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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