Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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