You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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