You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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