I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
